The Sports Review
Sport has borne witness to many great sporting partnerships over the years, Torvill and Dean, Redgrave and Pincent, Kris Akabusi and a stupid laugh, but now a new one has come to the fore which looks to eclipse the others, football and advertising.
It causes me great pain to say that Manchester United are one of the best supported clubs around, with fans everywhere in Scotland, Wales, the south, and, if some vicious and highly dubious tabloid rumours are to be believed, even in Manchester itself. As Manchester United club shops sprout around the country quicker than the acne which appears on many of the first team players, they have recently been confirmed as the richest club in the world, as the money rolls in much to the delight of the shareholders, who no doubt have blisters as a result of the constant hand rubbing. They certainly have a diverse selection of items ranging from wallpaper to bath towels, and more recently 'Ferguson Whisky', Scottish and extremely bitter. Being an obvious money making machine, isn't it time other clubs took notice. Arsenal, for instance, could introduce a shirt with an elbow patch, thus preventing wear and tear whilst leaning on a bar.
Across London, West Ham could introduce various disposable foreign phrase books, which can be used a few times but are useless after that. They could include Romanian, Croatian, Danish, and for the most ambitious Cockney, even English.
Moving further north to Liverpool, they could stock that oh-so-macho headband worn by Patrick Berger and they could make a load of money by selling replicas of John Barnes' suits. Maybe.
Further north still and Newcastle could start selling 'Shearer Robots' which are so lifelike that when a button is pressed, it says in a dull monotone 'Nobody is bigger than the club' or 'It doesn't matter who scores as long as Newcastle United win.'
Blackburn could also jump on the bandwagon selling ‘Fool’s Gold', where people could pay ridiculous amounts of money for what is just a useless lump of metal. It is obvious that now is the time to bid a fond farewell to stupid furry hats, stupider and in some instances furrier badges the size of a frying pan and key-rings and step into today where the modern fan is in desperate need of a jigsaw or a pillowcase with a club crest on it.
Written by pupils from Bishop Heber