THE FIVE LEAST ENTERTAINING FORMS

OF ENTERTAINMENT I HAVE EVER SEEN

By Matthew Atkinson

1. Clown I Once Saw

I observed him juggling by the river while I ate an ice-cream with a girl. He was wearing all the regular clown make-up and a silly red wig, but instead of a frilly clown suit he wore a fluorescent green t-shirt and some faded Levi jeans, and instead of over-sized clown shoes on his feet there was a pair of tattered old Nike Airs. I think the saddest thing about this was the sense of utter desperation. He didn’t want to be clowning, and he wasn’t particularly good at it, nor had he tried very hard, but it was all he could do.

2. A Comedian I Saw While On Holiday

I sat sipping a beer when he was announced. He was a portly, balding chap, from Liverpool. He told bad jokes about the Irish and women and ethnic minorities. He told a joke with the punchline that’s my mother-in-law about four times, seemingly unintentionally. My dad, also being from Liverpool and seemingly knowing everyone born there since 1960, spoke to him afterwards. He wanted to buy the comedian a drink but the poor soul had to drive back to Liverpool (from somewhere in Wales) to be up early in the morning to run his double-glazing business which was his ‘real’ job.

3. The Hit Television Series ‘Lost’

Boring.

4. Cragrats AIMHIGHER Edutainment Performance

I think I was about 15 when we were wheeled into assembly and forced to sit through two rather gawky looking young men and two plain looking girls dancing around to bad techno music because they were just like me and knew just what its like to be a teenager and wanted to let me know that I could aim higher and they even used the metaphor of an educational crossroads complete with papier-mâché signpost which signalled that I could go to college or get a job or waste my life. All I knew is I didn’t want to enter the educational theatre industry.

5. A Juggler Busking In The Streets Of Chester

I stood in the second floor of GAP for about twenty minutes watching this young man in a black t-shirt juggling badly inside a rope circle. Scattered around him were a few coins probably totalling no more than a pound. This was so pathetic that it actually became compelling viewing, and so it was probably a lot more entertaining than it should have been. The young man has moved onto those diablo things recently. He’s not very good at that, either.