Freeway - How to argue effectively

How to argue effectively

Are you sick of never-ending verbal attacks from your family? Learn to tackle them in a way that works!

Many of us avoid difficult discussions with our closest. Why? Because they make us uncomfortable and scared. We worry what the other might say. Since most of us aren't masochists, we do not enjoy hearing about our bad sides and things that we don't even agree with about ourselves. But there are ways to improve arguings, so don't give up!
The scientist Deborah Tannen wrote a book where she introduces two different types of ways people are having a discussion. ”High-involvement” and ”high-considerateness”.
With ”high-considerateness”, she means that you show others respect by not interrupting them and you listen to the conversation. You don't want to be in the way so you don't express your opinions. Very often, you wait to talk until you're being asked. If it is possible, you don't get too personal either.
With ”high-involvement”, you show great interest and enthusiasm, you often start talking before others have finished their sentences. You like to talk about personal matters, you jump between subjects often and yet, you ask plenty of questions. You like to get immediate responses to what you say and you don't like the silence being too long.
Conversational styles is about how we say something. We picture other people from their way of speaking, and they do the same with us. The way we say something (in which speed, low or high, accent and so on) how directly or indirectly we demand something, what our jokes are about, how we get to the point, sarcasm and many other details tell others who we are. It's one of the first impressions we make on another human being. It's easier for us to talk with someone sharing our own style. We feel that we're on the same level.
To talk too much can create irritation, to talk too little can make people feel that they're invisible and not interesting. A person who is talkactive, interested and becomes involved in the subject can be viewed as a wonderful person. Although, others may think they're just intrusive. Everyone's different and that's something we've got to remember.

With that in mind, here are some examples of what you must avoid in order to keep peace even though you're about to explode in anger.

Very few of us argue in a constructive way. We are very often prepared for victory in a discussion. We talk ourselves into mazes and we don't have any idea of how we got there or how we'll get out of it. Arguings with people we have a good relation to, suck up our energy just as a vacuum cleaner does with dust.
To use phrases like how someone never does anything, never listens, they are always wrong or comments like ”everyone says that” is amazingly effective if you want to start a fight with your family. First of all, it's hardly ever true. Second, the receiver of this statement usually takes it personally. To be all confident and mean while telling about someone elses weakness isn't going to take you anywhere. It's the opposite since it will probably make things worse.
If someone tells you something upsetting, don't throw it back in their face. Ask instead why they would say something like it and that you were offended. They might not know about it, or they take advantage over the situation by thinking you will let them run over you.

But, what are you supposed to do then?

Don't see arguments as competitions. If you raise your voice and attack people while you get the same response back, you're both losers because neither of you didn't get anything useful from it. Stand your ground instead of trying to make it harder for your discussion mate. Speak from the heart and tell them in a polite way why you're unhappy or why you think something's not alright. Even if you don't get the answer you want, keep calm and tell them how this issue has been bothering you and if you two can't help each other to solve it. Don't curse them out. There are certain exceptions where a fit of rage might help, though. If someone has been bothering you with personal insults without any reason or if this person talks behind your back without you getting to know what you've done wrong, you need to show them that you're serious. If you tell them politely to stop, chances are that they don't think you mean it. Even if that's the case, you must never insult them personally. Complain about actions, not the individual itself. So, with this knowledge, you're fit for any argument. Why not try the this next time you're arguing with siblings/parents?

”You forgot to buy the milk, you stupid tomato head!”
You very seldom get anything from personal insults. Try instead to ask politely.